Uncertainty

It’s been a year since I opened up this website.

Since I opened up a document to write a post.
I don’t really know how to “explain” why I’ve been gone except there has been a lot going on in my life. A lot of uncertainty. I call it a rollercoaster.

I’ve been in pain, both physically and mentally.

I won’t go into all the details, at least not now. Maybe not ever.

But the short version is that I was tired. All the time. I gained a lot of weight. And I went to the doctor. They gave me meds, I felt better. But the weight stayed.

Then my hormones decided to go crazy. They’re still figuring that one out. But I’m on meds that have helped, some. But not enough.

There was a period of time where I got told I might not be able to have kids.

That was hard. I’ve always wanted kids. I cried a lot. At least for me. I don’t cry easily.

I’ve also got something going on that I’ve just got inflammation going on all throughout my body.

They don’t know why that’s happening. I’m just in pain a lot.

At this point they’ve given me meds and different meds, and more meds, and told me to watch my diet and make sure I’m exercising.

I don’t eat much that’s “bad”. I don’t eat sugar. I don’t eat gluten. I try not to eat too much dairy or grains.

I exercise almost every day, even on the weekends. Sometimes I throw up after not very much movement. I don’t know why. Those days, I don’t finish my workout, obviously. But still the weight stays.

It’s been a year of not knowing. Not knowing why my body was doing what it was. Not knowing, though a lot of it, if I’d ever be able to have kids. It’s still uncertain, but it’s looking better than it was.

It’s been an idea tossed around that I might have an autoimmune disease. But it’s hard to figure that out when you don’t know which of your problems you should look at further along those lines.

Right now, a lot of people are dealing with uncertainty all throughout the world.

Not knowing if they have a job to go back to, not knowing if they can pay rent next month, if they can continue to put food on the table.

Not knowing if their loved ones will survive this illness, not knowing if they will.

I’ve been living this way for a year. Not knowing what’s really wrong with me, not knowing how serious that could be.

It’s one of the hardest things in the world, I think.

Just simply not knowing. Not being able to do anything to find out.

It may sound somewhat cliche, but it’s true.

The only way I have made it this far, why I’m still certain that I will see the other side of all this is God’s incredible loving care for me.

He has put me to sleep on nights where I was sure the pain would keep me up all night.

He has gotten me through days where I barely slept at all and I still had to get up and go to work.

He has gotten me through days that I slept and slept and still felt so tired when I woke up.

He has helped me wake up with peace in my heart when I cried myself to sleep.

He has used the kids at my work to cheer my heart when I felt like everything was hopeless.

He has brought the right verses to mind, had the right passage be the one I just “happened” to be reading that day.

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,

And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;

Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy,

I sing because I’m free,

For His eye is on the sparrow,

And I know He watches me.

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,

When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,

I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

I sing because I’m happy,

I sing because I’m free,

For His eye is on the sparrow,

And I know He watches me.

“His Eye Is On The Sparrow” written by Civilla Martin